Problem Solving + Staying in Bed

I recently read the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and so far, it has truly changed the way I parent day-to-day. I've read a few parenting books in my day, and usually I'll think while I'm reading, Wow, these are great ideas! This book is really going to help me! But then, in the moment I actually need those brilliant ideas, I don't remember them. This book is different. I still make a lot of mistakes, but I also remember what to do a lot, even in moments when I'm frustrated or angry.

One of the things the book recommends is to problem-solve with your child, when it comes to a recurring problem that you haven't been able to fix using smaller strategies. You sit the child down (in a peaceful moment, not at the time the problem is occurring and everyone is cranky), and you say, "Look, we have a problem. You don't want to stay in your room at night after we put you to bed. But Daddy and I want you to stay in your room. So, let's come up with some ideas of how we can solve this problem."

(Okay, yes, this is exactly the problem we were having.)

You get out a piece of paper and a pen and you write down every idea. THIS IS IMPORTANT, PEOPLE. Sorry to yell, but personally, I didn't think this would be all that important with a child that doesn't know how to read yet. But guess what? Kids that don't know how to read still love to see an adult treat their ideas as important enough to write down.

You might say, "How about you go to bed half an hour earlier?" Probably, your 4-year-old will protest, but you'll say, "We're not deciding what to do yet. We're just writing down ideas." Excited by the prospect that everything will get written down, your 4-year-old may come up with this brilliant solution: "I'll keep getting up." You bite your tongue and write it down.

Finally, when all your ideas have been exhausted, you read through the list with your child. Both you and the child have veto power: if anyone doesn't like an idea, it gets crossed out. If you both like it, it stays.

Whenever I've gone through this process with Rhonda just the two of us, we've managed to come up with a good solution. This time, I was kind of stumped. I didn't really have any good ideas. Thankfully, I'd involved Doug this time, and he had a brilliant idea: What about a sticker chart (like the kind we used with potty training)?

That was the winner. And guess what? It worked. Most of the time, Rhonda stays in her room at night! When she gets 7 stickers (currently; I plan to increase the amount gradually), she gets to have a special outing with Doug or me.

I tell you this not because I think I'm a brilliant parent who just does everything right--honestly, I just want this here so that in a year, when I'm probably due for a re-read of How to Talk so Kids will Listen, I can look back on this and remember that this actually works. Kids want to be part of the solution! They want to have control over their lives (surprise, surprise).

In fact, I've been using this strategy so often and so successfully that the other day when I was complaining about how Rhonda doesn't always stay in her room during quiet time (a time I desperately need for my own sanity), Rhonda looked at me and said, "Mom, I want some solutions."
"Huh?" I said helpfully.
"We need some solutions! Like with bedtime!"
And I realized that this time, she was asking me to sit down with her and make a list of ideas. It blew me away! Quickly, we decided together that she could also get a sticker for staying in her room during quiet time. So far, it's worked--and I really am staying much more sane. Even a 4-year-old can take some responsibility to make things work.